Wednesday, May 11, 2011

My note to Stephenie Meyer:

I love Twilight, Mrs. Meyer, but you got it wrong.

Those weren't immortals you were seeing in your dreams. They were just born and bred Pacific Northwesterners. So here I am, a born and raised Oregonian, to clear up the confusion:

-We aren't vampires, we're just pale. Not "I need a tan" pale, but "gee, is the fair colored foundation too dark for me?" pale. This is because we have no sun for most of the year. When we do, we get so excited that we go to Target and buy SPF300, huge sunglasses and sun hats in order to make us feel all summer-like.

-We aren't vampires, we just run fast. You'd run fast, too, if you had to face torrential downpours anytime you got out of the car.

-We aren't vampires, we just have dark circles under our eyes. This is attributed to the fact that children in rainy climates stay inside often. Children who stay indoors often are kind of nuts. Parents of children who are kind of nuts are freaking exhausted.

-We aren't vampires, we just talk funny. But we won't admit it because, obviously, it is actually the rest of the country who sounds strange.

-We aren't vampires, we are just moody. You try living in an overcast climate 9 months out of the year, then act all Little Miss Sunshine.

-We aren't vampires, we just sparkle. This is caused by the makeup we wear in an attempt to distract you from the fact that if you look too closely, you'll see our veins through our deathly pale skin.

-And finally, we aren't vampires...we are just cold. This isn't because our skin is made of marble. It's because we spend most of our time as wet as a drowned rat, wondering if the sun exists and fighting wind- with no umbrella or coat (of course) because only tourists use that crap.

Sooo...while I am admittedly a Twilight girl, I have to disappoint. There are no immortal beings in the Pacific NW. There are only people who actually live in the PNW, and you can see how that gets confusing.


Kim said...

So funny!

Mom said...

OHMYGOSH! You are so right on! Reality check. AND obviously people who live in the PNW have a sense of humor.

Ash said...

Hahaha! Write a book!!!! Seriously!!!